Reoccurring Dream Part 2

Let me clear something up. I don't think people who smoke, drink, do drugs, and swear are bad people. I think they have bad habits. I'm not one to judge, heaven only knows all the bad habits I have currently, have had, and I'm sure are headed in my direction. My point is, as a 15 year old, who dreamed of a great future, with Mormon standards, being more than nice or setting a good example to this guy, should have been it for me.

I explained earlier how he was the poster child for the DARE campaign. . .

Gosh, this is the reason for this blog. . . and yet it feels hard for me to share. . . Dreading your past mistakes, but pushing through so others can learn from you. . .

I'm a woman who has a strong will, some could call stubborn by nature. I'm not easily persuaded. I think things through, for the most part. I try to make good choices, BUT I'm vulnerable like everyone. I have my limits. I'm curious and spontaneous. I'm completely in for a fun time! I'm a Mormon girl with principles. I'm also young and impressionable. Am I making excuses? Am I doing the right thing? Am I so easily manipulated?. . . I must be!!

After months and months and months I finally gave in. I smoked my first cigarette probably within 6 months of seeing Cal. I didn't like it necessarily, but I definitely felt cool. And 'bad'. And after a little while liked being 'bad'. It was so different from everything I knew up till this point. I remember drinking, I don't remember what, within 6 months also. 


Curious food for thought:  I always heard that if you smoke first you'll end up drinking alcohol too, but if you drink first, it doesn't mean you eventually smoke. That was true for me. I smoked and then I drank.


I didn't start smoking pot till 8 months into this relationship. Coincidentally, my first night I'd ever snuck out, I smoked my first joint..I should say I was forced..I mean forced by the literal interpretation.. Three guys held me down, my boyfriend put a joint to my lips, plugged my nose, and waited for me to breath in.. they did this for my every breath till it was half gone. They also held me down, and with my eyes held open made me watch this nasty porno, 'Debbie does the Devil'. And to finish off this lovely evening, My super-nice-kind-respectful-bad-boy-boyfriend raped me. Needless to say I walked home crying. I showered, crawled into bed, said my prayers, begged my Heavenly Father to forgive me for being so stupid, and fell asleep. The entire time I was walking home, all I could think about was "I'm a druggy, I'm a slut", and "I'm a very 'bad' girl".